Day 27- waiting

What a awful day. Things were business as usual til I got a call from my mom that came up on the caller ID as my Aunt's number, My mom informed me she was at the hospital, that my grandma had been rushed over. Weird thing, is I woke with so much congestion that I had to have a breathing treatment and my grandma was on my mind, and then bam.

I was told that she still had the staph infection she got back in Sept during surgery from a horrible fall she had, she had to have pins put in her arm, she has since been in a rehabilitation facility to help, but its been slow moving, and she has gotten pneumonia twice and this is the third time. Its now causing problems with her heart, she is on a bipap machine that is giving her the assistance breathing.

Seeing her be so frail and in such a weakened state was hard for me. I am close to her, she is my heroine and role model. I have said it many time that I have been blessed to have such an amazing family and its because of her that my family is filled with love. She is the matriarch of this family. I can't imagine my life without her.

Its very touch and go at this point and we will know soon if she will be sent home with hospice to spend her last hours at home. I know my grandma and she would not want to be there like a vegetable. Its such a hard decision to make. Each and every one of us have sat with her. The Dr. said she can here us but she can't respond.

I took it so hard. I sat for some time but I had to go, I came home and let myself break down and cry. I know that she lived a full and wonderful life, I know that she has made peace with life and god, and I know she will be met by her sister and brothers but the selfish person in me wants her to stay here forever. I want my Grandma to wake up and laugh with me. I want to gossip with her. I want to give her a hug. I want her to hear her call me TC. I want to tell her that I love her. The reality is, I will probably not have that again.

I am sad, and hurting inside. good night.

( the above pic was taken while waiting for my turn to see her, I had to take the pic, she knows about my project and wouldn't want me to stop it, she is proud of everything I do)